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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Will be drunk until further notice.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.