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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?