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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...