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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.