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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.