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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!