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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.