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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.