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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.