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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
I dream about naps.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.