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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.