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Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.