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Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.