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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.