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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria