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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.