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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.