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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.