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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling