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If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.