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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I miss the life I planned in my head.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi