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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.