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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?