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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
take me drunk i`m home
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.