Daily Silly Status

That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off

I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.

Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.

I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.

It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.

I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.

Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?

Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.

You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.