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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!