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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I flunked anger management class.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I need more people like me in my life
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.