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Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!