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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers