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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
If Iām ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.