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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.