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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…