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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!