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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.