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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?