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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.