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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.