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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.