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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.