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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.