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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I forgot to post this earlier
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...