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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "