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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves