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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......