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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
This beer tastes like Iām going to text you later.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!