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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!