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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink