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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.