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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Never trust a skinny chef
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL