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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.