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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!