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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!