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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.