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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack