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Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.