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According to my nipples, summer is over
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
I say the things better left unsaid.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!