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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.