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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I’m sad when my food is over.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm