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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.