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I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.