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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.