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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball