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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.