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If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....