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When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.