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Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
There is no time to check time
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.