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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.