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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Not so great minds also think alike.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.