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When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.