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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.