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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.