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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.