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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.