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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I hate when the remote is way over there
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?