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I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....