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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.