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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?