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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.