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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.