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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.