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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?