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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.