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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.