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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
My life coach just benched me.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.