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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.